The earliest Winter Olympics I can remember was the 1998 Nagano Games of which I can tell you nothing other than medals were won and legacies made. I wonder 12 years from now if I won’t have a similar feeling toward the most recent Vancouver Games. People came, people went, medals were won, medals were lost, skaters complained, countrymen bickered, and inclement winter weather canceled winter events. Imagine the irony.
A few days into the most recent edition, however, I took notice when the United States put a strangle squeeze on the medal count and never let go. My interest was plainly simple; win the most medals regardless of sport. The sheer act of winning consumed me. Secretly, I would revel when any none Slavic country won a medal, any medal, applauding the stick-to-it-ness and tenacity of Caribbean Clad participants mastering winter sports when their respective countries are essentially winter-free. What talent indeed!
In fact, I almost feared tuning to the Olympics each evening knowing Bob Costas would indoctrinate me with an Olympic soliloquy to curling, a wayward bobsledding sonnet, or an epic tale of biathlon bliss But I tuned in anyway and like that of a Siren, once Costasized, I could not look away; not even as the speed skaters practiced their relay in the same spirit as a 1980’s roller derby, sans the eccentric uniforms and busty blondes, yet were disqualified if they happened to touch another racer. Crashing your opponent isn’t the objective? But Bob never missed a beat, dramatizing the falling snow until the final flake fell thus ending an odd but compelling Olympic winter odyssey infused with upsets, narrow victories, and unfathomable failure. Here are some of my favorites:
Bobsleigh – Athletic Mastery - Leaning
A sport where the objective is to push a sled down an ice-covered half-pipe, buddies in tow (no literally), steer the careening sled around myriad twists and turns, at times reaching speeds in excess of 90 miles per hour, while “leaning” said sled when applicable. All that and the difference of the winner and loser is typically measured in hundredths of seconds.
I didn’t know perfected leaning was a key component in successful bobsledding (or is it bobsleighing) or any sport mind you but apparently it is. If you can lean well, enjoy high speeds while careening, and have no problem with winning or losing in less time than it takes to blink when you sneeze, this may be the winter sport for you. Like they say in German, “Sie suck bie anlehn” which loosely translated means “we lean in sleds” or something along those lines. Way to lean guy…oh and by the way, you crushed the competition by .0021 seconds.
Curling – Athletic Mastery – Sliding, Sweeping, Bumping
Certainly, with some research, I could share with you the origin of curling, famous curlers from the past, the importance of its existence, and significance of its inclusion in the Winter Olympics. But how much fun would that be? I mean really. As I see it, curling is the winter sports version of bowling crossed with marbles. The sweeping component possibly added some years later when snow covered the ice and no shovel was available. Thanks Mom. Surely, sweeping is to curling like the alternate possession arrow is to college basketball; completely unnecessary and silly yet present much to the chagrin of the ardent fan base. Me, personally, I’m pro-sweep. It just maintains the integrity of the game. Bumping on the other hand, now that’s a completely different story indeed!
Perhaps some years ago, those incapable of leaning needed an athletic outlet and curling offered a broader inclusion of athletes into the sport than some others. Think American darter crossed with bowler and pool player all mixed up and placed on ice. Insert some brooms and frictionless objects and there you have it; Olympic curling – the “lawn darts” of the winter weather season. Slide it on in here Steve!
Biathlon – Athletic Mastery – Escaping, Shooting
Perhaps one of the oddest events in any sporting exposition is the Olympic biathlon where the objective is to cross country snow ski and then rifle shoot. Standing alone, on their merit, each event works fine. I appreciate cross country skiing as much as the next guy. I can say the same for target shooting. Combining the two is paramount to ice cream topped with mustard, macaroni and syrup, or pizza and corn (sorry lunch room lady); combinations that just don’t mesh well.
I surmise the biathlon burst onto the winter scene after a successful Siberian prison break, cons equipped with skis crafted from saber tooth tusks and rifles taken from sleeping guards, an epic cross Siberian ski race for freedom with fur covered Mounties taking chase, all the while stopping ever so often to pop a shot at an approaching snow bunny to curb the hunger of the athlete/inmate. The result; those who snow skied the fastest and killed the most bunnies reached the freedom of the Soviet bloc and all the lavishness that followed. The losers; well those poor schleps had to endure another winter in a Siberian gulag sweeping ice for the prison curling team.
Indeed, the Winter Olympics exceeded my expectations and left me with a feeling of loneliness and solitude that will certainly persist for the next four years. In the meantime, I plan to lobby the Olympic Committee for the addition Figure Curling, Luge Jumping, and Cross County Moguls; all fine additions to the all ready tremendous schedule of Winter Olympic sports. Just don’t tell the Siberian Mounties. I hear their prison curling team is 26-1 this season; their lone loss to the Cossack Crew. Sweep it up Sergi…Just a thought!
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